Unsuccessful Cures

Things That Do Not Work in Dealing With Sex Addiction

Resolutions, Oaths, and Promises

What do people do to curb compulsive sexual behavior?  They try a lot of things—and many of them are ineffective.

I often hear persons say that they have finally figured out what they needed to do to get freedom from their sex addiction.  They say something like, “I promised God I wouldn’t act out any more.”  And when I ask, “Have you done that in the past?”  They say, “Yes.” They say something like, “I promised God I wouldn’t act out any more.” “So how has that worked so far?”  So that you don’t get the wrong idea about what I am saying, I am a Christian who believes strongly in the ability and power of God.  At the same time, it has been my experience that God often uses therapists, 12-step groups, and other recovering people to help guide addicts out of addiction.

Many sex addicts have believed the lie that the reason they act out is because they haven’t prayed right, believed right, worshipped right, or have some other deficiency in their religious life.  But the reason they act out is not any of those reasons.  They act out because they are addicted!  Promises, to God, to partner, to self, are ineffective in curbing compulsive sexual behavior.  For example, “I’m going to read my Bible more often,”  “I’m going to participate in more religious activities,” or  “I’m going to pray more.”  That is well and good unless they mean that they are going to do those things instead of other recovery activities.

Other "cures" that do not work...

Geographical Cure

• I am going to move to another city where there is less opportunity to act out.  I know where all the acting out places are in this city.; One man said, “If I could just move to the moon, I could control my acting out.”
• A variation on this:  I am going to get a different job.  I won’t be able to stop acting out until I get away for the opportunities to act out that are part of my current job.

Getting Into a Relationship or Getting Married

• Whether this is a teenager or someone much older, single people often believe the answer to acting out is to just get into a relationship or into a marriage so they can have sex with their partner as often as they like.

Gettting Out of a Relationship or Marriage

• Sometimes coupled with this is the belief that if they just had a new partner, then everything would be all right.

Finding a Drug to Cure the Addiction

• I have heard people say, “If only I could find a drug that would lower my sex drive.”  And, some have sought out physicians to give them something that would cure their compulsive sexual behavior.  While some prescription drugs, particularly antidepressants, lower sex drive, none of them eliminate sex addiction.

Outgrowing the Addiction

• Some people think if they just hang on long enough, they will outgrow their addiction.  But I know a number of people well past seventy years of age that will tell you that their addiction is still present, even if it is under control because of their work in recovery.

Other Things That Do Not Work in Eradicating Sex Addiction

• Worry
• Self-pity
• Rule-keeping (This is not talking about healthy boundaries but of creating a rigid rule system that creates walls where boundaries should be)