What is acting out? Where did the term come from? The addiction lives and thrives in fantasy. For some sex addicts, all of the addiction remains in fantasy. For others, the addiction involves other people. But for all sex addicts, central to the addiction is the creation of a play—this is where we get the term acting out. He is the producer, writer, director, the only star, and the audience. He can speed up the play or slow it down. He can change a scene at will or use an alternate ending. And when not acting out, the play is stored in fantasy so it never ends. Sex addicts can vividly recall images of people they have acted out with or of pornography they viewed many years earlier. The fantasy—the play—gives the illusion that all desires have been met and that all cravings and desires have been satisfied.
The ritualization is very narcissistic. No one is allowed into the play—at least not as a person. If the play is to involve others, humans musts be dehumanized, and non-human things are humanized.
The play can be called up from memory at any time. When a sex addict cannot “act out” he can always replay the play in his mind and often get a powerful rush as though he is acting out.
The ritual trance is refined and reinforced as greater pleasure is desired. Nothing is tolerated that might interrupt the trance!
For some sex addicts, their addiction includes the use of alcohol and/or drugs. And just as they have rituals around their sexual acting out, they have rituals around the use of these substances. And, they find that they are unable to act out unless all of the ingredients in the ritual recipe are present.
The play may escalate over time and take the “actor” into increasingly charged situations, increased danger, including people where previously the acting out had been solo, being involved in riskier behaviors, using animals, using inanimate objects, sex toys, being involved in predator behaviors like voyeurism, using hidden cameras, or exhibitionism. Cybersex can escalate to child pornography which is a federal offence.
All the while, the sex addict's marital sex life has significantly deteriorated, because all of his energy is going in a different direction.
(Information about the background of the term “acting out” is from article by Jennifer Schneider, Journal of Sex Addiction and Compulsivity, vol. 12, number 2-3, 2005)
Examples of Acting Out Behaviors
Level One Behaviors are generally accepted or at least tolerated by society (though they may not be discussed).
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Compulsive masturbation, sometimes to the point of injury |
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Compulsive use of porn (from magazines, to video and DVD, Internet, and pornographic video games) |
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Compulsive relationships |
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Sexual boundary violations at work |
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Prostitution |
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Anonymous sex |
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Frequenting adult-oriented businesses (for example, strip clubs, adult book stores, modeling studios, and massage parlors, which are typically an unlicensed person working out of their apartment or small shopping center) |
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Many level one sex addicts believe they do not have a problem or that they can control their behavior since they do not constantly do those behaviors. |
Level Two Behaviors are intrusive enough to carry significant legal penalties. A key to this level is that there are legal sanctions and there are victims.
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Exhibitionism |
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Voyeurism |
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Professional boundary violations (that is, physicians, attorneys, therapists, and clergy) |
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Indecent phone calls |
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Other lewd conduct like frotherism—touching someone in a sexual manner without their permission. |
Level Three Behaviors violate our most significant boundaries.
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Child molestation |
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Possessing (downloading) child pornography |
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Incest |
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Rape |
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Other sexual behaviors involving violence |
(From research conducted by Dr. Patrick Carnes)
Startling Truths
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